It's almost midnight, there's an awesome storm and I am wide awake. Probably thanks to a coffee too late in the evening, but shared with good conversation. As I have been back I have started to slowly get back to life, but part of me is desperately holding onto the things I have learned...about the Lord, about life and about me in general.
1) I realized about myself that, until I am otherwise told, I usually always assume that I get on the nerves of those I meet. It wasn't until the last weekend in the DR that I verbalized to Weston that I was pretty sure I annoyed him all the time, that he assured me that I didn't and I could finally be comfortable around him. I don't know why I do this. Maybe it's a form of protection. I can't assume that someone doesn't mind me until their words or actions tell me so.
2) I'm invisible. And I mean that in the most shallow and the most deep sense. But it doesn't matter. I don't get my self worth from others. I may feel like I am never the first choice or that there is always something better that is coming along, but to Christ...I am everything I need to be. I am His. He created me. If that means that throughout my life I need to be looked over, passed by, or the second choice, well I am ok with that. This only happened once while I was down there, and it was for a very dumb and superficial reason. However, it served to remind me what life was like back here. I am not number one. I'm always on the "B" team, but I am so grateful for that. It's humbling. I was chosen by Christ. Not because he wanted someone else and it didn't work out so he settled for me. Not at all! He chose me! He initiated and pursued me!
3) I like living a selfless life. All life consists of there is serving others. When you are stripped of everything and all you have left to rely on is God and those he put around you, you begin to understand what God meant when he said "42They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. 44All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. 46Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, 47praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved."
I felt like every person I met was an opportunity to love like Christ loves me. This didn't mean that we gave handouts to everyone or let them sit around like a bum while we worked our tails off. I can honestly say that all my needs were met...not by my own doing, but by others. Hopefully I was able to meet their needs as well. There is so much joy to be found when you are miserable. The world holds us back. We have too much. Not once did I miss a cell phone or tv! When you have little, you are thankful for so much more. I think that was the most thankful my heart has ever been. I am not the center of the universe, this life is not about me. It was nice to live in an "others" focused setting. I feel like I was my true self there, just lost in living life the way God intended it. We all were there sharing our gifts, doing different things, but in everything we were serving Christ and He was our main focus. I love living simply.
Sorry that this is probably not the most uplifting post. I am sure you can tell that I am still deep in process. All I know is, I don't want life to just go back to how it was. Not that it was bad or that I had a bad outlook. I just think God has further molded my outlook to desire to go deeper and live for Him even more.
